Hello and welcome to the inaudible Morningtime 2016 Awards. It should have been “inaugural” but it’s been such a noisy year I thought people might like some peace and quiet. So with that in mind it’s time to welcome our hosts…
They’re creepy and they’re kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
One of them’s called Kiki,
Their company has Musume,
But they are not here today,
Instead it’s some girls that want to run away,
Doobebedoo clapclap doobededoo clapclap
*Girls come on stage, look awkward, look like they are about to cry then run off stage*
Well it seems that’s all for the awards. Thank you for coming…no…wait…stepping in at the last minute it’s…
She’s funny and she’s goofy,
She’s also very toothy,
Since she went swimming nobody’s seen Mizuki
Blame Ishida Ayumi.
Doobebedoo clapclap doobebedoo clapclap
Ayumi: Oi! I never ate her! I was full up after snacking on some fruit earlier. Well I say fruit, it was one of Juice=Juice. Anyway on with the awards…
Up first it’s the Most Influential Group award. Well 2016 has seen many internet memes and many trends going viral just like in previous years. Perhaps the most bizarre and frightening trend is the one where ordinary members of the public suddenly vote for buffoons. Because of that Juice=Juice nearly get the award for having the word “buffoon” in a translation for one of their songs…
However it was decided that it was a bit too tenuous of a connection and there was one group that this year started a trend that ended up spreading across America and Europe. It’s far fairer to give them the award for starting something that really took off in the public’s imagination. Yes the Most Influential Group Award goes to…Angerme. Their scary clown craze really was one of the talking points of the year…
Soft neck more like.
Okay they weren’t all scary. Some were just hilarious…
Oh and some were just aduckable…
Onto the next award and it’s the Longevity Award. With C-ute having been performing for well over a decade now they were firm favourites to win this. However there was another group that had a claim and it is ultimately that group that has won out. Yes the award goes to…
Juice=Juice! Amazingly they survived another year despite looking like they’d melt away at any moment. Okay it’s true that they released nothing of note all year and yes it’s also true that they are becoming increasingly boring and irrelevant and it’s also true that they only got this award so someone could make a melt away joke using those photos but even so…err…moving on…
Now for the I’m Having a Bad Day But Now I’m Finally Sitting on the Toilet Award…
Well done Rikako. Great posing there! It really gets the message across and let’s face it 2016 has been the year of things going down the toilet.
The next award is Duck of the Year. Donald, Daffy, the back of the duck that sits on Donald Trump’s head, Maimai’s voice, all were hoping for the trophy but for the fifth year running the award goes to…
Takeuchi Akari! Daww!
Now for the much-coveted Crap Hair Award. And it’s a welcome return for an old favourite…
Natsuyaki Miyabi. Congratulations. It’s good to know that, what with Momochi graduating next year, there’ll still be one Berryz member making everyone laugh. Oh while I’m at it the Welcome Return of the Year award goes to…
Now for the Terrible Excuse for Graduating Award. Yes this is the award where members try and pretend they are leaving for some positive reason. Remember such gems as “I want to be a model” ( Koharu. Actual reason was “I can’t fucking sing for shit and I hate you all”) or “We are just going on hiatus, honest” ( Berryz Kobo. Actual reason “We all hate each other and fit together about as well as Ikea flat pack furniture. Oh and nobody cares about us”). Such gems. Now this year has seen Meimi leave “I want to be working in musicals” (actual reason was the management were worried about the high turnover of young Sushi members. There’s only so many disappearances you can explain away with the excuse “she joined Tsubaki Factory and that’s why you haven’t seen your daughter all year. Nobody has. She is in Tsubaki Factory”). Meimi was therefore a strong contender. But the surprise award goes to…
“I’m pregnant with God’s child”. Congratulations Inaba Manaka. It’s been 2016 years since that excuse was last used by some gospel singer. Breathtaking audacity. A worthy winner.
Now 2016 has been a tough year for many. It’s no exaggeration to say “AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” However idols need to stay upbeat and positive and during a stressful year like this one that’s more important than ever. Therefore it’s time to announce a special award category. The award for Perseverance in the Face of Adversity goes to…
Kamikokuryou Moe! Congratulations. Yes this year has left a lot of people feeling similarly affected and let’s face it, with the current mood of the world who doesn’t want to get legless?
Now for one of the most coveted awards of the evening. The Morningtime Adoptee of the Year Award. First some mentions for the runners up…
Taguchi Natsumi! So adorkable. So lovable. Such a funny and charming idol.
Ozeki Mai! Also funny and charming, Such a cute little devil.
Nomura “Nomnom” Minami! Beautiful, happy, positive, wonderful! A gorgeous human being.
But there can only be one winner (because apparently wanting to adopt four girls at once is “suspicious”. Bloody regulations!) So to announce the winner it’s Morningtime!
He’s sarcastic and freaky,
Maimai thinks he’s creepy,
He never seems to speaky.
Doobebe…Oi! That doesn’t even make sense. Except the Maimai bit. That could be true. But speaky? Morningtimey? When I find out who wrote that I’ll…oh…it was me? Ah. Well moving on and the Morningtime Adoptee of the Year Award is a prestigious award that each year goes to an idol who has been particularly heartening. Before announcing this year’s winner please watch this short video presentation all about the history of the Morningtime Adoption Charity*…
“Hi. I’m Nakajima Saki”
*voice off-camera* “No you’re not. You’re just Morningtime standing behind a Nacky towel!”
“Shut it! I am Nakajima Saki and for several years I was awarded the Morningtime Adoptee of the Year Award. The Morningtime Adoption Charity takes young idols who might otherwise never get the chance to live away from Japan and forcibly places them in a foster home until they find the keys…wait…sorry…wrong script. It takes underloved idols and places them in a loving environment where they can hone their idol skills, meet and play with other idols and eventually step out onto the stage with renewed confidence, increased abilities and staggering amounts of tea, scones and chocolates behind them. Other past winners to have benefited from this award include Maeda Yuuka and Tanabe Nanami yet somehow the award continues. Frankly I don’t see the benefit when you consider…sorry stick to the script. So it’s back to the stage for the award result. But please give generously. Even one L-sized photo can make a difference to an idol’s self-esteem.”
Thank you Nacky. And so the winner for 2016 is once again…
Who else? It’s Hamaura Ayano! The idol most likely to make you temporarily forget about Maeda Yuuka. The idol most likely to make you go sqweeee. The idol who will make you laugh one minute then impress you with her performance the next. The idol with enough humour, beauty and charm to make you temporarily forget about Maeda Yuuka. The idol Maeda Yuuka that will Maeda Yuuka Maeda Yuuka. Yuuuuukachaaaaaaan. *Cries* Sorry. Sorry. Still not quite over it. But yes Hamachan…it’s always Hamatime. Always. Except when I’m thinking about Yuuka. Which is often. Nevertheless Hamachan is awesome. When C-ute disband she could single-handedly keep my love of H!P going. Luckily she doesn’t have to do it single-handedly as all of Kobushi Factory are great and Ozeki Mai exists. Then there’s Ayumi, Honey and Akane. Even so Hamachan is all kinds of wonderful awesomeness. Congratulations!
And that’s it for the awards except for one special final one. The Genki Bitey Idol of the Year. Ayumi!
Ayumi gives you such a special feeling. That Ayumi feeling. Happiness, love, energy and a burning sensation where your leg used to be. OW!
Ayumi: Sorry. It’s been five hours since I ate Mizuki and…oh…shit.
Tut! Well I’ll forgive you. Please come backstage and bite me some more. This show is over people. Hope you enjoyed.
*Charity status may be for complex tax purposes. Charity is based offshore. Off which shore? Shush. I’m not telling.